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[学生提交的作文]
Nowadays, it is a commonplace that children own startle amount of pocket money. These new moneybags never earned one dollar but have glorious consumptive point of view. As far as I am concerned, we should decrease their pocket money. The reasons can be listed as following.
First , money produce negative effect on children. As I can see, there are few children could make a correct decision on purchasing, especially the sum of the money is affluent. They always use it in some harmful ways, such as try to drink and smoke. It is danger both on their physical and mental aspects. Second, parents should change their way to express their love. In china, giving a little money to children is a traditional way to show the love of adult. Following the increasing amount of money that has be given , some children become a moneybags during one night. In this reason, change the way to express our feeling is necessary. In order to reduce children’s money as well as the bad influence from money. At last but not least, school and society would provide some opportunities to children for earning money through their labor. The proverb goes : no pay no gain. The junior moneybags cannot image the difficult to earn money if they never try.
From what has been discussion above, we come to the conclusion that we cannot ignore the gradually increasing pocket money of children. Because money would bring weakness to children.
[老师批改的作文]
Nowadays, it is a commonplace that children own startle amount of pocket money. These new moneybags never earned one dollar but had glorious consumptive point of view. As far as I am concerned, we should decrease their pocket money. The reasons can be listed as following.
First , money produce negative effect on children. As I can see, there are few children could make a correct decision on purchasing, especially as the sum of the money is affluent. They always use it in some harmful ways, such as trying to drink and smoke. It is danger both on their physical and mental aspects.
Second, parents should change their way to express their love. In China, giving a little money to children is a traditional way to show the love of the adult. With the increasing amount of money that has be given , some children become a moneybags during one night. In this reason, changing the way to express our feeling is necessary. In order to reduce children’s money as well as the bad influence from money,….
At last but not least, schools and our society would offer the kids an opportunity to earn money by their labor. The proverb goes : no pay no gain. The junior moneybags cannot image the difficulties to earn money if they never try.
From what has been discussed above, we come to the conclusion that we cannot ignore the gradually increasing pocket money of children. Because money would bring pernicious implication on children.
该文较通顺，但是论点以及其展开欠缺连贯性，使论点没有非常充分的展开，论证。出现了用词搭配不当的现象较明显，以及表达复杂长难句的功底需要多加锤炼。个别主谓搭配不一致。
[学生的反馈]
老师您好！你说我的论点展开的不好，我接受您的意见加以了改正。我觉得我之所以没有展开是因为立论不合理。我进行了通篇的修改。请您评价一下这篇的感觉，可以得多少分？谢谢。
Topic: What is your opinion on children’s pocket money?
As the proverb goes: every coin has both sides, and that also includes children’s pocket money. With the increasing of children’s pocket money, more and more people concerned with this problem. Some people think we should decrease the amount of the money because it would perniciously impact on our children. However, others considered children could learn to manage money through using their pocket money.
We do not deny that decreasing the sum of children’s pocket money would bring advantages. In traditional Chinese opinion, parents would give a little money to their children for expressing their love or rewarding the children’s achievement in study.. In my opinion, this behaviors are unacceptable, because the wrong principle would gradually formed in children’s mind that giving money is the only way for their parents to express love. Hence we would choose adequate way to show our affections, such as associating or playing with the children.
I also agree the argument that we should forester children’s ability to manage their money. Furthermore, we should offer some opportunities for children to gain money with their labor. No pay no gain, children could not understand how to use the money if they never earn one dollar with their hand. In this reason, schools and parents should encourage children to work in their spare time and offer some position for them.
Children’s pocket money, just like anything else in the world, has its bright side and dark side. As far as I am concerned, we should give our children not only the money but also the advise to use and to earn it.
[老师的批改]
As the proverb goes: no garden without weeds, so does children’s pocket money. With the increasing sum of children’s pocket money, more and more people concerned with this problem. Some people think we should decrease the amount of the money because it would exert perniciously impact on our children. However, others considered children could learn to manage money through using their pocket money.
We do not deny that decreasing the sum of children’s pocket money would bring advantages. In traditional Chinese opinion, parents would give a little money to their children for expressing their love or rewarding the children’s achievement in study.. In my opinion, this behavior is unacceptable, because the wrong principle would gradually form in children’s mind that giving money is the only way for their parents to express love. Hence we would choose adequate ways to show our affections, such as communicating or playing with the children.
I also agree the argument that we should forester children’s ability to manage their money. Furthermore, we should offer some opportunities for children to gain money with their labor. No pay no gain, children could not understand how to use the money if they never earn one dollar with their hand. In this reason, schools and parents should encourage children to work in their spare time and offer some positions for them.
In a nutshell, children’s pocket money, just like anything else in the world, has its bright side and dark side. As far as I am concerned, we should give our children not only the money but also the advise to use and to earn it.
得分：5分
这篇修改后的文章，在语言上基本达到6分的要求，但是仍然有一些主谓搭配和名词单复数的低级错误，这将直接影响你从5分上升到6分的成绩，望在写完作文后细心检查定能避免。在论点展开方面，比前一篇的文章能干净利落一些，但是，第一个主体段中对于给零用钱是表达父母关心的方式的展开，存在逻辑问题，因为你在那里的分论点句是给钱能带来advantages,那么以后的论述是否就应该从好处展开呢？你却转到给钱是不能接受的做法方向去论述了。
[用户的反馈]
您说我的第一个主体段展开的不好，不贴切，我如果按下面的改感觉是不是就好多了。
We do not deny that decreasing the sum of children’s pocket money would bring advantages. Decreasing the amount of money would lead children to award that amount of pocket money is limited and controlling their own consumption are necessary. In addition, decreasing the amount of children’s pocket money would improve the relation between parents and their children. In traditional Chinese opinion, parents would give a little money to their children for expressing their love or rewarding the children’s achievement in study. However I think the proverb “ money talks” is inadequate that is used in this affair, and communication is the only way to express the feeling of parents toward their children. In this reason, it would benefit both sides that parents decrease children’s pocket money and spend more time on communicating with their children.
[老师的批改]
We do not deny that decreasing the sum of children’s pocket money would bring advantages.
Decreasing the amount of money would lead children to come to relize that amount of pocket money is limited and controlling their own consumption is necessary.
In addition, decreasing the amount of children’s pocket money would improve the relation between parents and their children.
In traditional Chinese opinion, parents would give a little money to their children for expressing their love or rewarding their children’s achievement in study.
However I think the proverb “money talks” is inadequate that is used in this affair, and communication is the only way to express the feeling of parents towards their children.
In this reason, it would benefit both sides that parents decrease children’s pocket money and spend more time in communicating with their children.
主体段落这样的论证过程基本达到逻辑严密的要求，能够做到自圆其说。但是你需要注意的是，在语言和句型的使用上显得过于单调，如文中所标示的几处你表达应该“减少小孩零用钱”时，从头到尾用的都只有一个动词decrease，是否可以尝试替换同义词呢？注意你的主谓一致和代词指代方面一些细小的语法错误。
