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高中作文习作批改范例
学生提交的作文:
Nowadays, cycling is becoming more and more popular. Not only cycling is
a form of transport but also is a form of sports. Many people have been
convinced of make a green world and how important of themselves in good
condition. How about your feeling? What’s your opinion?I want to talk
about cycling’s advantages and disadvantages.
The first advantage of cycling is an environmentally-friendly way to
travel, due to the fact that is does not create air pollution. More and
more air pollution from vehicles, factories, air conditioners. One of the
most typical phenomena is greenhouse effect. Moreover, Ozonosphere has been
broken by air pollution. On the other hand, cycling has not air pollution,
it is green. For this reason, use cycling is a good way for protect
environment. The second advantage of cycling is an inexpensive form of
transport. Due to you do not have to spend money on things such as petrol
or costly repairs. The price of a car is more expensive than a bicycle. No
matter how about somebody’s income, almost people can afford it. Bicycle
not only cheap but also protect our environment.
The first disadvantage of cycling on busy roads is not very safe on the
ground that drivers do not always give way to cyclists. The statistics of
bicycle’s accident show that bicycle is one of the highest happened rate
transports. Actually cycling’s death rate is also very high, especially
cycling on busy roads. For this reason, the cyclists must take care of
themselves. The second disadvantage of bicycles is unsuitable for long
journeys. There is a limit to the distance a cyclist can reasonably travel
in one day. The upshot of this problem was that we may waste our time for
rest. Thus, cycling is not a good way for long journey.
All things considered, although there are some disadvantages to cycling,
I believe it is very useful equipment so that cycling can make your
healthier. At the same time, you have made the contribution to environment.
That would be wonderful! Do you agree with me?
修改后：
Nowadays, cycling is becoming more and more popular. Not only because cycling is a form of transport but also because it is a form of sports. (英语重形合，不象汉语重意合，需要适当的连词确保其连贯性。这点以后一定要注意。)Many people have been convinced of how important to make a green world and to live in good condition. How about your feeling? What’s your opinion?(显得繁冗罗唆， 去掉一个)I want to talk about the advantages and disadvantages of cycling.
The first advantage of cycling is that it is an environmentally-friendly way to travel, due to the fact that it does not cause (cause较好一些)air pollution. More and more air pollution from vehicles, factories, air conditioners. (此句无谓语。)One of the most typical phenomenon is greenhouse effect. Moreover, the (记得加冠词) ozonosphere has been broken by air pollution. On the other hand(On the one hand在哪里？On the one hand和On the other hand二者是一起用的, 切记。) , cycling has no air pollution; it is green. (这是两个独立的句子，不可仅用逗号了事。可以改为分号，也可加连词because.) For this reason, using (动词的动名词形式或不定式形式才可作主语。) cycles is a good way of protecting environment. The second advantage of cycling that it is an inexpensive form of transport., since you do not have to spend much money on petrol and reparing. ( 你原先的：Due to ? you do not have to spend money on things such as petrol or costly repairs. ) What's more , the price of a car is more expensive than a bicycle.(注意连贯性。) No matter how about somebody’s income (改为No matter how high your income is), almost (改为only a few ) people can afford it. On the contrary,(过渡一下) bicycle isnot only cheap but also good for our environment. (not only...but also...后面所加的成分要并列。cheap是形容词而protect是动词, 像你那样用不合适。)
The first disadvantage of cycling is that it is not very safe on the road because drivers do not always give way to cyclists. The statistics of bicycle’s accident shows that bicycle is one of the highest happened rate transports. Actually, cycling’s death rate is very high, especially cycling on busy roads. For this reason, the cyclists must take care of themselves. The second disadvantage of bicycles is that it is unsuitable for long journeys. (There is a limit to the distance a cyclist can reasonably travel in one day. The upshot of this problem was that we may waste our time for rest. Thus, cycling is not a good way for long journey.)把括号里的作一下取舍，最好一句话解决。
All things considered, although there are some disadvantages to cycling, I believe it is a very useful equipment because cycling can make you healthier. At the same time, you have made the(去掉the) contribution to the environment. That would be wonderful! Do you agree with me?
以上是我在你的原文基础所作的修改，主要针对用词和语法方面。但从总体上看，本文还存在一定缺陷。比如：首段文字是全文的重点，应起到吸引人且总括的作用，而本文的第一段显得松散，最好再改一下，看能不能做到连贯紧凑，突出要点？再者，本文布局较清晰，但在英语中习惯每段有个主题句，本文却没有。为什么不试着把第二段第三段分别加个主题句，然后用First, Second, Third....列举，这样显得条理更清晰，行文更简洁，更符合英语习惯。
重要的是还必须看清题目要求。“用英语写一篇100个单词左右的短文”， 上下浮动最多20个单词， 本文显然大大多于120个单词。文章能写的长固然好，说明你有这个能力，但同时要兼顾题目要求。否则，不仅扣分，还影响阅卷者情绪。
关于单词用法及语法，上面已经写明，希望以后多多注意。一篇好的文章离不开准确的用词、正确的语法。
希望能对此文再加删减浓缩，修改成一篇符合要求的好文章。继续努力！
